In spite of quite Herculean efforts, I seem to be gaining increasing dismal results from my endeavors, at least as it is related to my physical health. Partly it's a product of aging: unlike viruses, for which we gain a partial immunity as we grow older and survive the ill effects of the virus (or flu), allergies appear to get worse and more prevalent as we age. And my efforts to resolve those allergies are met, over and over again, with an intolerance to the suggested remedies, even when those remedies are seemingly tolerated quite well by most of the population.
In recent years, I have been faced with one allergic reaction after another, to all kinds of materials, fabrics, food, mattresses, eyeglasses, rashes, etc. And this list just keeps extending.
Several years ago, I developed a rash on my chest. For a year or so, I was able to tolerate topical medication to 'keep it at bay', but after a while -- and ever since -- I could no longer tolerate that or any topical medications (my body absorbs them almost directly into my blood stream, causing severe nausea and disorientation), and as a result that rash has plagued me, with periodic itching, ever since. That applies to the long-term eczema that I've had in my ears; there is no topical medication that I can tolerate to relieve the symptoms, so I end up (as much as I try to stop myself) scratching my ears far too much.
Then, two years ago, I started having negative reactions to hair shampoo, resulting in a condition known as 'burning scalp'. I tried a slew of different brands, many which claimed to be good for resolving that condition, but to no avail. The result has been that when I wash my hair, with the only shampoo that I've found to be even minimally tolerable, it often 'burns' immediately afterward and for several days, and each time I rinse it, with even cold water, it starts burning again. It's feels, much of the time, like having a Bunsen burner on top of my head, resulting in a quite painful outcome. And the heat radiates down into my upper chest area. I've tried homeopathy and acupuncture to relieve the symptoms, but to no sustained effect.
Then, this past year, my Sterns-Foster mattress reached its usable life, and I discarded it to purchase a new one -- an issue that I covered, at length, in my previous blog post. The only other thing I want to say about that issue is that the mattress which I tried, after all the memory foam ones, that was supposed to resolve the respiratory and upper GI tract distress from the foam fumes, resulted -- after one night on it -- in a 'Ben-Gay' kind of neuropathy in both of my calves, which has continued ever since and, I suspect at the point, may continue for the remainder of my life. Every morning I wake up with my ankles either feeling like they are freezing or are 'on fire', which within an hour or so radiates a burning sensation throughout my calves. No matter how much I wash my legs, exercise them, or meditate about the issue, the burning sensation continues all day long. On rare days, for a few hours, it subsides to the point of feeling 'like it did before that night on the mattress', but then returns with a vengeance.
I thought I had found a solution to the mattress issue (though not the neuropathy symptoms) recently when I received a new issue of Consumer Reports and they had a review of mattresses, with recommended models. A Sterns-Foster innerspring mattress was listed and I thought "great, I can replace my old mattress"! But when I went to Sears to view the model, to my great distress I realized that it, too, was covered with a 'pillow-top' foam, though it claimed it was not memory foam. But, nonetheless, it was not the 'non-foam top' that my former mattress had, and which I know I could tolerate. I've tried a cotton futon at my female partner's house, but at least that one is far too firm, and I wake up with back pains. I keep hoping (against hope) that I will be able to find an unused Sterns-Foster mattress, circa 2000 or before (the 'old' style one without foam tops) at some discount warehouse, but I haven't found one yet; and I continue looking at cotton futons, though I haven't found one that was of a 'medium firmness' for a back sleeper like myself.
Then there are my allergies to materials and fabrics. For years, I purchased surgical strength anti-embolism hose from Ames Walker and was quite tolerant of them. But about 5 years ago, they changed vendors (though, when I noted this problem, they claimed they were using the same vendors). I knew something was amiss when the new batch had a strong chemical odor [that had never been there before], and when I tried them on (after, as always, washing them in Seventh Generation laundry soap), I experienced an immediate intolerant, profoundly nauseous reaction. And even after washing them multiple times, the chemical allergy remained. The result has been that I've used the same old ones for years now, and they are shredding out in a severe way (making their anti-embolism qualities increasingly more minimal), because I can't find another brand that I can tolerate.
Or the fabric of black slacks. Several years ago I purchased a pair of Dockers black dress pants (oddly enough with 32" legs, when I wear 34" in every other pair) which now are the only ones I can wear at all (in black, that is). I've tried multiple pairs of Dockers and other brands since, and each and every time I experience an immediate disorienting nauseous reaction to the fabric. [This is a major issue for me, since black pants are required in many of the venues where I usher.] The result has been that I've had to wear this one pair of black pants year after year, and they are getting quite worn, but replacing them with a pair I can tolerate has been, heretofore, not available. I don't know if it's the cotton I can't tolerate (not all cotton is equal in tolerance level) or the black dye in the fabric. But it's a very real problem.
Or food allergies. I've gotten to the point where I can only eat poultry or salmon, and not all poultry reacts equally well in my GI tract. I can't even cook organic chicken at my own house (and I am a trained chef) without getting ill from it. I have found several restaurants in the St. Louis area -- Crazy Bowls & Wraps, Panera Bread, and San Sai, plus several sit-down restaurants -- where I can get cooked chicken meals that are tolerable to my body. But it gets expensive eating out every day. When eating at home, I can tolerate salmon and Butterball Turkey Bacon, but only that brand; all others make me ill. And at this point in life, I only ever drink water. No sodas, no alcohol, no fruit juices, definitely no caffeinated beverages of any sort, not even herbal teas [all of which I used to love as a younger man]. And all water isn't tolerable; some brands of bottled water, especially those with added minerals, make me quite ill. I can drink the tap water, in most locations in St. Louis, and be ok, but when I go across the river into Illinois, much of their water tastes like pond scum to me, and the water in many other cities I have visited (my former hometown of Albuquerque, and Atlanta and Chicago) has too much chlorine in it. So, I end up carrying the brands of bottled water, that I've learned that I can tolerate, everywhere with me.
Then, recently my eyeglasses needed to be replaced [the anti-glare covering is scratched]. I asked several friends for recommendations where to have them made, and decided to use a local university eye clinic. I had an eye exam prescription from the welfare medical system of which I'm a member, but the female eye doctor had said "here's what I came up with, but if you want to keep using your old prescription, that's fine with me". But the university eye clinic said that, since she hadn't written down that allowance, they, by law, had to act upon the new prescription. So they made me a new pair of glasses. The left lens was far too strong and the right lens far too weak, which caused severe headaches. I managed, through some connections at the school, to obtain a willingness to use the old prescription, which my present eyeglasses have in them [and which I tolerate quite well]. They did a 2nd re-make, but again I had the same problem with the lens. Then last week they did a 3rd re-make -- 'right on the mark of what we requested', especially in the prism, but when I tried them two days ago, the left lens was ok, but the right lens was far too strong, and the prism 'felt like' it had been set at a diagonal. The result was profound visual disorientation, headaches and resultant GI tract distress. At this point, I realize I'm going to have to 'eat' the $150 I spent on the eyeglasses, ask the university clinic for a new eye exam (hopefully with an optometrist who understands hypersensitive clients), and plan to try for a pair of eyeglasses that I can tolerate.
All of these allergies make me feel like "The Prince and the Pea", sort of a male version of 'The Princess and the Pea' fairy tale. The hypersensitivity that I experience, to all kinds of stuff, appears to be particular to me alone, though I hardly believe that I'm the only person with hypersensitive reactions. I date a woman who can eat and drink almost anything, with no ill effects sleep on mattresses which I find intolerable, wear most fabrics with no negative reactions, etc. And that appears to apply to the majority of the population. Many a doctor over the years (medical and ophthalmology) has commented that "I've never heard of anyone with those reactions", but they never write down my reactions and submit them to any kind of PDR tool (as far as I know). So, I keep ending up with reactions that aren't even listed as rare symptoms.
Alternately, though, my emotional health is improving all the time. My ability, as a sexual abuse survivor, to feel 'safe' within my own gender skin has become more 'tolerable' as my years of mental health therapy progress. The motivation to dissociate from my 'self', to emotionally 'run away' from any comfort with my maleness, which for so many years was the default position, has subsided to a profound degree in the last several years. My therapist has strongly suggested that my hypersensitive reactions to all these materials, fabrics, mattresses, food, etc. are the result of internalized anger and feelings of fear that I've lived with throughout my life, on the heals of [resultant outcomes of] being sexually molested and tortured at the hands of my parents. My former therapist in Albuquerque speculated years ago that trauma survivors have stressed out adrenal glans, due to being in more or less continual 'fight or flight' mode as children. And the result of that long-term stress is an lowered ability to deal with any foreign substance or traumatic situation later in life. I strongly suspect that is at least partly the problem for me and one reason, among many (not all of which I'm aware), that provokes the hypersensitive reactions that I experience.
It's not, though, that I feel 'hopeless' to resolve these issues. Hopefully I will find a mattress I can tolerate; hopefully I will find black pants I can tolerate (if I do, I'll probably buy 10 pairs to last me for many years to come!!); hopefully I'll discover foods that I can tolerate that allow me to widen my choices, rather than continually narrow them; hopefully I will find eyeglasses that I can wear without getting profound disorienting headaches. I no longer feel the situation is 'insolvable', like I did when I was seeing the world, exclusively, through 'deeply traumatized' emotional lens. In the last 5 years, I've found an intimate relationship which I can feel 'alive and respected' within, with a woman who I feel is truly a 'fellow traveler' on my life journey. Given my experience for most of my life before her, I had good reason to wonder if that would ever occur. So, there is clear and definite hope for change, even though my hypersensitivity limits my life, and in some ways -- at least partially because of aging and the breakdown of the body due to simply chronology -- will become more so in the coming years. But hopefully I will be able to 'cope' with those limitations. "Hope continues to be available". I sense there's some sort of Zen lesson to be learned here, though I can't think of what it is. But I'm sure it has something to do with 'acceptance of suffering'.
