For Survivors of Profound Trauma, 'The Past' Is Rarely 'In The Past'

Several days ago, I was talking with a good friend, about whom I have a wealth of respect, who said, in his observations about my most previous blog ["A Dark Night of the Soul"] "Why do you keep dwelling on the past? Why not leave it alone and move forward?" I mention this, not in any way to insult his comment [I've always appreciated his interest in my writings], but to note that it is the kind of comment that has often been made by others whose personal experience does not include post-traumatic stress disorder [PTSD].

For survivors of profound trauma, they would be quite overjoyed IF 'the past' could be 'in the past'. That would be of great benefit in their healing and moving forward toward a more positive emotional life.

Were it only possible….

Unfortunately, for myself and other survivors of incest, child abuse, torture, warfare, violent assault, traffic accidents, or other equally devastating life experiences, the past is too often quite 'current', in that it keeps inserting itself into our present reality. And, just as often, even if we have sufficiently worked through the trauma and know that the current situation isn't unsafe, it can feel unsafe due to 'body memories' which arise quite beyond the control or regulation of our conscious mind.

Memories of the Past Relived in the Present

In the manner that I write my blogs -- using my own experiences to point out general themes which also affect other survivors of profound trauma -- I want to give a couple of examples of this phenomenon.

> When I was 36, recovering from a nervous breakdown that quite devastated my world for about 9 months, I was in the grocery store one day, going through the check-out line. I was suddenly 'out-of-the-blue' hit with an intense panic attack, which I realized was related to 'escape'. And so I consciously said to myself "You're not 3 years old. You're not being cornered by your father and beaten senseless. You're 36, you can defend yourself, if anyone attacks you -- which, being a 6'8" man is unlikely -- you can take care of the situation." In other words, I had to quite consciously allow myself to overcome the terrifying 'body memory' of my childhood incest and torture, and know that THAT memory was THE PAST, not the present reality. And that was sufficient to allow me to finish the check-out process, pay the bill and leave the store without shaking like a leaf.

> In recent years, I have become more and more hypersensitive to materials and foods, in a manner that is greatly compromising my ability to live my life to its fullest. Items such as those, which seem to not affect others around me in quite the same negative way, sometimes simply 'blow me out of the water' and trash my physical and emotional equilibrium for several hours.

Before I go any further with this example, let me note that I'm only too aware of similar 'odd reactions', to certain materials, which have plagued me in recent years. But I had no particular reason to assume that that would be the case this time.

Several days ago, I had to get myself a new belt, as the one I had been using was 'shredding out' and falling apart. I went to Target, bought a black belt, and took it home. I put on the belt and started driving over to Jazz at the Bistro, where I was scheduled to usher. Within 5 minutes, my stomach started to severely cramp and within 10 minutes my throat started to feel like it was closing off, like I was suffocating. I commented to Linda, my intimate partner, who was in the SUV with me, that hopefully I was only having a 'fear of a possible fear reaction to a new material', that this was purely psychosomatic and not organic. But quickly enough, I realized that was not an accurate interpretation, and I pulled the belt off (I had brought my old belt with me, just in case). But the sickness didn't go away; if anything it only got worse. At dinner, I started feeling quite nauseous; by the time I arrived at The Bistro, I was feeling distinctly dissociated.

At that point, I consciously said, to myself, "There is nothing here at The Bistro for you to fear. No one is going to attack you. You're in a safe environment." But, frankly, it's didn't help much. The 'body memory' of my childhood terror -- which never has quite left my memory, in spite of 30 years of therapy -- simply swarmed over me and made me profoundly uncomfortable. While waiting for the patrons to arrive, I tried reading -- that made me ill. I tried talking to the staff -- that made me ill. I tried turning away from looking at the patrons, intentionally 'zoning out', but that didn't help much. It took every bit of my mental focus to keep calm and to appear calm (which I apparently succeeded in doing - Linda said later I appeared quite calm).

Eventually the 'feeling of terror' did subside, though it took about 2 1/2 hours after I had taken off the belt before I felt 'stable' and 'normal' again. And it took another 24 hours for the 'short-circuiting' of my body to calm down.

The Past Is Only Too Current For Trauma Survivors

For trauma survivors, the intensity of a reaction to a specific situation depends on the severity and longevity of the original trauma. If it was a one-time event, of limited duration, therapies such as EMDR are sufficient to overcome the disruption of emotional stability. But if the trauma occurred over many, many years and was combined with a complete lack of safe outlets to 'bleed off' the terror (as was true in my life and is often the reality for many other male and female survivors of childhood abuse, incest and torture), then the memory of the trauma is locked in the mind in a manner that makes it incredibly difficult to forget and 'move forward' with ones life.

Often, when I'm describing my experience with trauma-related symptoms and outcomes, people with whom I talking will say "Oh, you're being 'grandiose'. Terror? You really don't/can't mean that. You might be feeling uncomfortable, or a bit stressed, but don't you think you're using terms that are a bit overblown for the situation?" Yet, terror is the feeling that I'm often experiencing, right then, right in the present. Ever since that torture occurred (and it continued from birth until I was 22), I've had a very difficult time 'titrating' the sensation so that I can 'go forward with my life' without being overwhelmed when that sensation arises in my present experience.

It is true that terror is often out-of-place given the current situation, that anyone who hadn't been profoundly traumatized would likely only be feeling 'stressed'. But for PTSD survivors [and as noted, this isn't only true for child abuse survivors -- I've read about this occurring for war survivors and veterans as well] terror is the sensation that is being experienced, and that terror, though quite likely related to past events rather than the present, is intensely real for the survivor, as 'real' as any experience that anyone else around could feel. That it is inappropriate given the current situation is not something a trauma survivor can 'know', at that moment. 

For them, the terror is happening right here, right now, in the immediate moment.

And once that trauma has reignited itself, it's difficult not to be caught in a mad cycle of 'being fearful of fear itself', as the famous Roosevelt expression goes. I have spent much of the time, in recent years, feeling like 'I'm walking on egg shells', afraid that the next article of clothing, or the next food, or the next chemical odor, will once again knock me off my 'stable equilibrium' and send me headlong into a state of terror. To say it 'stresses me out', as the expression goes, is to put it mildly. I've learned to cope and still find a wealth of joy and peace in my life, but that fear of 'the terror being around the corner' never quite goes away.

And, as I've noted, this is equally true for many other survivors of profound trauma.

Recovery and Healing 'From The Past' is an Ongoing Process

If only we could allow the past
to remain in the past
if only we could live our present lives
as the current reality
without the past continuing to impinge upon
and control and abuse our present

If only we could move beyond the trauma
that often strangles our ability
to feel joy and emotional warmth in the 'now'
if only we could heal from those wounds
that so deeply limited our childhoods
and continue to limit our adult years

Healing is possible, and it is the avenue 
that allows us to grow and thrive
in the present, in a manner that was unavailable
to us in our past, in our childhoods

Maturity is possible and available, if only
if only
the past could stay in the past
and not continue to periodically
strangle our current lives.

Healing is indeed possible, I have no doubt about that. I've proven it quite often in my own life. It is difficult, and anyone making the journey should know, from the start, that it ain't going to be an easy road. 

Yet, the great paradox is that the more I feel safe in my life, the more the feeling of terror invades my current existence. 

I realize this sounds quite counterintuitive. But let me explain: the more we feel safe, the more our world is 'righted' after experiencing profound trauma, the more 'emotional space' we have to feel, truly feel, the full expression of all the trauma that we have, for good reason, 'stuffed' away in a place where it wouldn't continue to hurt us.

As my therapist says, the trauma is my 'mentor', though it often feels like a tormentor. My body will only allow certain memories to reoccur 'when I'm ready to deal with them'.

Or, I should say, will only allow them to arise now that I've achieved a distinct level of healing. Unfortunately, when I was younger and had almost no healthy boundaries, the memories flooded my world in a way that was beyond my ability to cope. And my 'method of coping' was dysfunctional, to say the least -- primarily I used excessive amounts of substance abuse to deaden the feelings of terror, feelings of inadequacy, and the feeling that I was basically 'stupid', as my father had told me thousands of times as a child. Luckily for my ability to survive and be healthy, I stopped that self-abuse at 32 and have been completely sober ever since.

But, still, in the present, when I have a negative reaction to a material (wearing new clothing before washing it 10 times, the glue in shoes that I haven't sufficiently 'baked off' in solar heat over several months, or the chemicals in my compression socks) or a food (allergic reactions to proteins other than poultry or salmon, or intense sickness from some sources of water, or eating food too fast and kicking off a hyperglycemic reaction), or certain social situations (when I feel uncomfortable or out-of-place, or where there are noises that are too loud), the emotional boundaries are blown wide open and I have no control over the arising feelings of terror. At those times, my body isn't expressing a healthy titration of the memories; other 'outside' experiences are 'making choices for me', ones that aren't in my best interest.

Yet, even then, in that paradoxical way, the trauma is a 'mentor', in that it is showing me what I still need to heal from -- and what I still need to 'feel' and 'work through'. Healing is not, and rarely is likely to be, 'easy' or 'comfortable'. It often isn't 'fun' nor 'something to greet with joy', though the journey can and often does eventually lead to a place of joy and peace. 

It just often requires going through Hell in order to arrive at the other shore.

But it is possible. Healing can occur. The past can, potentially, with enough work, struggle, meditation, therapy, and belief in and love for oneself, live in the past and stay in the past. 

Or, I should note, that is my hope!