Several months ago, during the social hour at my Unitarian congregation, several friends and I were discussing both the delights and problems of male friendships. And it got me to thinking more deeply about a subject that has been a conflicted issue throughout my life. Today, I decided, after working out the details in my head, that it was time to move forward on this project.
Male friendships in America are, at best, very delicate negotiations. That's not to say that they can't be fun, interesting, bonding, enjoyably arrived at, and pleasurably engaged in, but that the parameters are something which must be worked out with an awareness of each man's cultural socialization very much in mind. I would propose that it is a 'given' that most males in this country are socialized to not be comfortable talking about or even displaying their emotions very openly -- other than the emotions of anger or laughter. Yes, those are arguably quite the opposite in motivation, but my point is that there is only a small 'range' of emotions that are 'allowed' males in American culture. As I've often noted in my blogs and on the pages of the Mariposa Men's Wellness Institute website, if anything males are taught, by both their fathers and mothers (in addition to most of their other relatives and almost everyone else around them) to not be comfortable with the expression of emotions, especially emotions that display either pain or loving feelings. This results, for many males, in growing up without the 'language of feelings' being either learned, acknowledged, or comfortably sought. Males who desire, as adults -- due to exposure to alternative ways of viewing the world -- to gain a comfort with the healthy expression of feelings must learn this on their own and with very little cultural support.
I was one of those men. Having both grown up in a profoundly emotionally dysfunctional family and in a society that very nearly suppressed any awareness and comfort with tender, nurturing feelings, I was able to begin to access those emotions and 'create a voice' for their expression via a combination of many years of psychotherapy and invested involvement in the New Mexico men's wellness movement. They were 'there', inside of my heart, but all the terror and sexual trauma of my family-of-origin managed to crush almost all my inner emotional knowledge their existence. While my own trauma had it's own peculiar and bizarre 'edge', that kind of crushing of the emotional soul of males is quite common. And while my focus is on American society and culture, my observation is that the lack of open and comfortable knowledge about and expression of self-care and nurturance of others, by males, is something which is a pattern of male socialization in many cultures worldwide.
Many studies have pointed out that 'male bonding' often occurs in sports and business, but that that 'bonding' is, by it's very nature, fairly superficial. What has always struck me about the way males talk about sports -- I notice this particularly at the YMCA where I exercise -- is that while there is a lot of emotive talk, the substance is completely divorced from any need for the males involved to talk about themselves, only about some 3rd party 'player' involved in an athletic event. They can shout and engage in one-upmanship with vigor, and yet at the end of the interaction, very little of 'emotional depth' has been engaged in. It's sort of "stepped back" bonding, you know, like "my team is better than yours" or "I have knowledge that is greater than you [about a specific sports figure]". Now, it's true that 'sports talk' isn't the only kind men discuss; they also do a lot of talking about their employment and careers, but even there, the conversation is around showing each other how successful they are around financial gain, with very little threat of exposing their inner emotions (to the extent that they are even aware of their inner emotions).
This lack of 'emotional exposure' is often criticized, in particular, by their intimate partners. Yet, that truly can be a misguided attack. Given that males are socialized to not display their emotions from infancy onward, it is hardly surprising that they are somewhat inept at talking about their feelings, or even knowing how to bond emotionally with others. And it's not as though females are so much better at it than men, in spite of their very different gender socialization. I always remember what Irma Kurtz wrote about in Mantalk: Tough Talk from a Tender Woman: that for all the vaunted advantages that the society says that women have in talking about emotions, most women, when talking with their women friends, discuss the relationships they have with other people, and only rarely talk about their own deep emotions. She felt that they have much the same kind of 'emotionally superficial bonding' that males engage in. Her point was that most people, of either gender, are backward about and frankly distrustful of exposing their deep emotions with others, even 'friends' they have known for years.
Further, for all the talk in recent decades about how females, in particular, want to have their male partners "talk about what you're really feeling", when men do tell their partners their deeper yearnings and emotions, many women fail to take comfort with that expression. The author bell hooks talked about this in The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity and Love. (I have an extensive review of this book on the MMWI website under "Men's Emotional Wellness".) In our patriarchal culture, neither males nor females are very 'at ease' with males talking about their 'deep feelings'. The author encourages women to 'get out of the way' and allow men to talk about the very emotions that their female partners have said they wanted to hear, and in the process not put men down critically for now being seen as 'less of a man' for that emotional expression. Either allow the deep expression that you've asked for or be willing to never want it -- which, I would assert, would make for a very shallow and highly superficial relationship.
I remember an anecdote I read years ago about a couple where the wife had been criticizing her husband for years about not showing his emotions. Finally, one of his close male friends died and the husband was able to get in touch with how much he had loved and therefore now missed his friend, and in the process began to weep deeply about the loss. The wife 'freaked out' and tried to shut that down, being quite uncomfortable with her husband's tears. He, in return, cried out "You've been nagging me for years to show my emotions, now let me express the terrible pain I have for the loss of my friend!!" As the old phrase goes, be careful for what you say you want: you might someday get it, and then you need to deal with it in a healthy manner.
I don't know enough about gay male culture to know if gay men are any better at expressing their deeply held emotions with either their platonic gay male friends or sexual partners. I've read that there is some possibility that they are better at it than heterosexual males, but I suspect that males, gay or straight, coming as they do from the same basic cultural model, have an equally difficult time getting in touch with those 'deep emotions' and sharing them, in a trusting way, with good friends. [I had a therapist years ago, who was a gay man, who noted that while 'empathy is my profession', he didn't expect nor was surprised to find that most of the men he dated were not very good at displaying their emotions.] 'Bonding' for gay males may indeed have a different model than straight friendships, but my supposition is that it still necessitates a delicate balance.
I've read many autobiographies by male-to-female transsexual women and many studies of male transvestites (I'm not lumping them together -- there are a great many differences -- only noting a commonality with my points above) where they often talk about not being able to comfortably express their emotions until they were "in their female presentation and awareness of self". While I would emphasize that there are a great many perfectly healthy and valid reasons for some males to go the route of either a sex-change and/or feeling the 'gender relief' of female presentation, that they would feel the need to go that far in order to have the 'allowance to express their deep emotions and tender feelings' is, I believe, a sad commentary on the way in which our patriarchal culture often refuses to allow males, in general, to 'have access to nurturing feelings' toward others -- and themselves. [This is in no way to assume that the need to express nurturing emotions is the only reason for such a gender-change pathway, only to note that, to the extent that change is needed to display those feelings, because they felt unable to do so when they were genetic males, is culturally problematic.]
Thankfully, that is changing in some areas of the society. And it is a change that I believe will lead to a greater healing for everyone. The 'open expression' of feelings by males is displayed in many television serials, and even in news stories about sports figures who are injured on the playing field. And more men [and women] are displaying a willingness to allow their male children to have access to a wide range of feelings, without feeling the 'cultural imperative' to suppress those feelings.
I'm well aware of this change as a man who has been involved with the men's emotional wellness movement for the past 30 years. With many of my male friends, I am able to talk about 'feelings' quite openly. I make a point of cultivating male friendships where such open express is mutually comfortable and encouraged (it doesn't happen with all my male friendships -- some people are still more at ease with a distinct superficiality, which I attempt to respect -- but I work on producing it as often as possible). Unfortunately -- from my perspective -- this 'deep bonding' hasn't occurred in some of my long-term friendships, and I find that painful. I have a friend in New York, whom I've known for over 45 years (but haven't seen since early '90's) who once was one of my very best and closest friends; while I continue to value the friendship greatly, his willingness to continue it's cultivation is quite phlegmatic by comparison. But I have other friends whom I only rarely see in-person (since they live in other states) with whom I have very emotionally bonded friendships [continuously fostered by either social media or phone calls and, as often as is financially affordable, visits] which are mutually appreciated by both parties.
And, of course, I have been able to manifest some very warm and mutually supportive male friendships here in St. Louis, Missouri. It always takes a while to cultivate a good friendship, but I make it pretty clear to my male [and female] friends that a "good bonded friendship", to me, involves that kind of deep emotional sharing. For me, it's the expression of the joy of life, that manifestation of deeply touching the soul of the world. It allows for the full range of displaying who each of us are, without the suppressive controls of the patriarchal culture that surrounds us. That, to me, is healing. Coming, as I do, from a family where isolation was the watchword, because everyone was defending themselves from each other, I have, as an adult, made a point of 'reaching out and cultivating deep, bonding friendships', both with males and females. I'm very much of the belief that such deep emotive bonding should not be limited to opposite gender relationships; the love and support of my male friends is immensely valuable and necessary for my continued emotional healing. And, hopefully, for their healing as well.
