As of August of 2017, I will have lived in St. Louis, Missouri for 19 years, having arrived here in 1998 to complete the second year of my Master of Social Work at Washington University. I note this with a combination of professional angst and personal pleasure.
Prequel to Moving to St. Louis
I had begun to work on the Master of Social Work in 1995 at New Mexico Highlands University in Las Vegas, New Mexico [the 'other Las Vegas', as we always emphasized - very different from the one in Nevada - much smaller and far more economically challenged]. Since I was living in Albuquerque, NM at the time, Highlands represented a 'commuter school'. A fellow student and I would drive the 120 miles to Las Vegas on Monday morning, attend classes all day, stay overnight in a motel, attend classes all day on Tuesday, then drive back to Albuquerque on Tuesday evening. Then each student would earn gradate credit at a practicum, Wednesday - Friday, in our home city (most of the students were from cities other than Las Vegas). Personally, I worked at the New Mexico Advocates for Children and Families [NMACF].
After that first year of the graduate program, due to a number of difficulties with the program's other students [most of them were only there to get a degree, with minimal effort, whereas I, being an older student, was very invested in getting a quality education, and that difference caused some major clashes between the most of them and myself], I decided not to return to Highlands University for the second year of graduate studies. My supervisor at NMACF, Jerry Ortiz y Pino, willingly arranged for me to obtain a full-time contractual position in the agency (working on the Shaken Baby Syndrome Project, which I totally revamped, with a focus on men's emotional wellness), at which I continued for the next two years. Jerry encouraged me, though, to continue the MSW program somewhere (though clearly not at Highlands). Hence, after the first year of full-time employment, I began to apply to social work graduate programs around the nation where I could feel sufficient academic challenge. After applying to 12 different programs, New Mexico State University, University of Denver, University of Minnesota and Washington University offered me admission, and I was waiting to hear from the University of Michigan-Ann Arbor (they finally, belatedly, offered me admission, though unfortunately six weeks after I had already accepted a position at Washington University in St. Louis).
I traveled to the 4 graduate programs that had offered admission by February of 1998, interviewing with each of them, and finally decided upon Washington University (in large part because they offered an Academic Scholarship that paid half of my tuition, plus a further small Minority Scholarship, with the combination paying 2/3 of the tuition cost). They were also fairly assertive about encouraging me to apply for their doctoral program, given that I was a straight-A student. The graduate program somewhat ran into problems, though, due to some issues with the practicum that I started with, and by the end of that second year of graduate studies, I was only too happy to be finished with the school. I successfully earned the MSW in May of 1998. By then, the desire to continue on, in the doctoral program, no longer motivated me.
Then I hit the 'lack of employment' wall, hard. I ran smack into several major roadblocks: (1) as a male graduate, in a field that was primarily female staffed, I was often given interviews, I suspect, solely so that the agency could check off the 'diversity' requirement on their EEOC forms, with the intention, all along, to hire only female graduates; (2) the overall American economy was going through a significant recession at the time, which made gaining employment, for any graduate, difficult; and (3) I had just turned 50 and, though it was technically illegal, I was negatively impacted by the 'over 50' age discrimination. On top of that, I had two graduate degrees (having earned a Masters of Public Administration from the University of New Mexico in 1978), and therefore ran into the 'overqualified' paradox.
Finally, though, after significant job hunting, I secured a position as the Project Director for a Missouri statewide smoking cessation program. However, I learned later (after being hired) that the Board had wanted to hire a female candidate, but that she had received some inside information on the answers to the interview questions, and I was hired, even though I was the 2nd choice candidate, to avoid a potential lawsuit. The dynamics behind that became obvious when my supervisor kept demanding favoritism for a female colleague of hers, who later, after I had resigned from the program (under a cloud of dissension on my part and disagreement with the Board about the job requirements of the position) was hired into the position. Hence, once again, the agency really wanted a female candidate, and I only got the position by default. I left the job in April 2002.
During my time at the agency, I had additionally earned a Graduate Certificate in Nonprofit Management at the University of Missouri-St. Louis. I greatly enjoyed that graduate certificate program, at least in part because I had the chance to develop a close collegial friendship with John McClusky, the NP Management Program Director, and to meet and become friends with Kathryn Nelson, who had a wonderful reputation in St. Louis for her work on early childhood education.
At first I was quite overjoyed to be out of that toxic environment. But it quickly became obvious that obtaining employment, of any sort, anywhere in the nation (I was applying for positions as far away as New York and Hawaii) was going to be difficult. Between 2002-2008, I sent off over 2000 resumes and had something like 300 interviews. In many cases, I was interviewed for positions where the agencies were looking for an Executive Director, for which my experience and education made me qualified, but in every case, either I didn't have 'enough' experience or I was 'overqualified', and in almost every instance a female candidate was hired instead. I finally 'hit the wall' in 2008 when I applied for a position in St. Louis where the female candidate who was hired had less education, less experience, and fewer skills, and yet was hired at a salary which was $10,000 a year more than I had ever made in my life. (So much for the 'lie' about "we can't hire you because with your excessive qualifications we'd have to pay you too much"). At that point, I 'threw up my hands in total frustration', realizing that I had no idea how to gain employment, at any level.
In the two years that I had worked after gaining the MSW, I had earned approximately as much in salary as the MSW had cost me in tuition and living expenses, though no more. Here I had gained a vaunted social work degree from Washington University in St. Louis, which turned out to be basically damned worthless to me.
Paradoxical Success
I used the title "paradoxical success" for this blog because although I had come to St. Louis to finish the MSW (and had graduated with a 3.95 GPA, which I was quite proud about, having just barely scrapped by with a 3.08 GPA during my first graduate degree in 1978, when I was a younger and considerably less serious student), the value of the MSW, in combination with the previously earned MPA, and the NP Graduate Certificate, turned out to be a myopic fantasy.
I had managed to survive, albeit with a major struggle, the boom/bust economy of New Mexico, largely because I had entered politics in 1978, knowing full well that the Masters of Public Administration was likely only going to have value in that kind of government environment (and because I came from a family legacy, on my maternal Hispanic side, of many decades of government service and political involvement). By the early 1990s, the Democrats were no longer in the governor's office, and my employment prospects were dim at best. Many people had encouraged me to believe that the MSW, along with the MPA, would make me a "highly qualified job applicant". As it turned out, the reality was quite the opposite: all that education, combined with the poor state of the national economy, made me toxically 'overqualified'.
In many ways, I had used the application for a 2nd year of graduate school (along with the scholarships and loans) as a means to 'escape from New Mexico'. That's not to say that New Mexico isn't a great place to live, for some people, but for me, it was a frustrating experience. I had grown up in a military family and moved around the U.S. and had lived in a couple of foreign countries, so while New Mexico was a state where many of my Hispanic relatives lived, I wasn't 'from' there 'originally'. In fact, most military kids of my generation weren't 'from' anywhere in particular. And New Mexico, as beautiful and culturally vibrant a culture as it is, has had a historically miserable economy. 76% of the graduates of the University of New Mexico leave the state upon graduation, given that few professional jobs are available, and the ones that are around pay poorly compared to almost every other state in the nation. I felt a sufficient sense of frustration that in 1982, after being laid off from an employment position in the New Mexico state government, I tried to obtain employment in either Texas or Louisiana, but to no avail. Again, while New Mexico has worked out well for many of my friends there, I personally needed a bigger playground, which St. Louis has provided me.
Whenever I say to friends that the MSW was a disaster, they point out -- quite reasonably -- that although professionally coming to St. Louis was a bust, there have been a wealth of other ways in which my residence here has been an unmitigated success.
In the 19 years that I've lived here, I have:
- Founded a nonprofit focused on men's emotional wellness (though, albeit, I've never obtained funding for it, so it has been more a 'labor of love' rather than a successful nonprofit organization).
- Matured by living in a city where my family-of-origin wasn't around me, and I had to learn how to survive on my own.
- Worked with and found great pleasure in the First Unitarian Church of St. Louis, where my efforts and leadership have been and continue to be valued and respected.
- Bought my second house, which I've now owned for 13 years.
- Mutually manifested a loving, equitable and respectful intimacy with a female partner for 9 years.
- Had a very vibrant -- and inexpensive -- cultural life, as a result of ushering, at first, at 6 different venues in the city (though, at this point, I'm down to only two, having largely 'burned out' on the overzealous effort). In addition to the ushering, Linda (my intimate partner) and I have had season tickets, for the past 6 years, to the Opera Theater of St. Louis (though, albeit, they are the least expensive seats in the house).
- Greatly added to my philatelic stamp collection, because I'm in a city that has stamp shows and where I can obtain stamps without resorting, as in a small city like Albuquerque, to gaining them primarily through the mail.
- Had the services of several very qualified mental health and yoga therapists, which has greatly assisted my PTSD recovery/healing from childhood sexual trauma and physical torture.
- Traveled to many more places around the country and internationally than I ever did when I lived in New Mexico (at least in part because I now have a pleasurable traveling companion in Linda, who is more than willing to equitably share expenses).
- Had access, for 12 years, to a 'welfare' medical system that provided me with good, no-cost healthcare, and have lived in a city which has one of the finest medical delivery systems in the nation.
At this point, I haven't had a full-time professional employment situation in 15 years. I survive, adequately though, with the financial assistance of my brother and some saved funds. I joke that I retired at 52, though the larger reality was that I was 'made redundant' by the state of the American economy. But, I continue to foster my unfunded men's emotional wellness nonprofit [Mariposa Men's Wellness Institute], which has had federal 501c(3) status since 2003, mostly via this MMWI Blog and the maintenance of the MMWI website. And, last year, I became a Credentialed Minister at the First Unitarian of St. Louis, and promote (as my health permits) a Men's Wellness Ministry within the congregation.
The years have flown by! Though Albuquerque was my 'first home', having lived there for 32 years (between stays as a child, and 29 years as an adult) -- and I still call myself a 'transplanted New Mexican' -- St. Louis is my 'second home' and likely the place I will spend the balance of my years. Friends in New Mexico ask if I will ever return to live there, in my old age (older than I am now!), and I note that, since St. Louis has provided me with a culturally rich and inexpensive home, and my intimate partner is from here, remaining here is the greater likelihood.
One of the frustrating things about living here, though, is that my New Mexican friends rarely ever visit me, and I can only make contact with them if I return for visits to New Mexico. (It isn't that they never travel; rather that when they do, if they come to the Midwest, they'd rather visit Chicago -- even though, as I point out, I live here and it's a great city to visit!) I truly miss the tall mountains, the rich Hispanic and Native American culture, the arid climate, and the rich topography of New Mexico. If I had enough funds [it's unlikely that this will ever be more than a fantasy] to have a home in both cities, I'd spend a couple of months of each year in Albuquerque, with the majority of my time in St. Louis. But I can still do that anyway, to some degree, because my brother and his wife live in New Mexico, and they have a place for me to stay when I visit.
Hence, while the original, primary rationale for coming to St. Louis -- to complete an MSW at Washington University and, with that degree and my other education, gain more lucrative employment in this part of the country -- was largely a bust, coming here, quite paradoxically, has in fact been wildly successful, for very different reasons. It has been one of the larger paradoxes of my life, yet one that I greatly appreciate, for the reasons I enunciated above. It sort of addresses the "be careful what you wish for" cliché, in that the target shifted the longer I lived here. Paradoxical success, indeed!
