During the two recent Friday broadcasts of Oprah's "200 Men Come Forward About Sexual Molestation", the men made a number of comments about their sexual abuse that I felt were particularly noteworthy, in terms of my personal experience of sexual child abuse.
As such, in this second of two blogs, I have continued to quote those statements and then expand upon them, with further examples and discussion.
"Fear of being around children, given the abuse that was perpetrated upon me during my childhood." When I was a younger man, I was often confronted by women with the statement that I was simply irresponsible and immature for not wanting to have children and a family. Yet, from early in my adulthood, I had been quite queasy about even being around children, much less participating in the production and raising of children of my own. My own childhood was so thoroughly traumatized, due to the overt levels of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, that I wanted to forget and 'run away' from those memories as quickly as possible. Of course, it was rather impossible (short of amnesia) to actually forget about the abuse, and for reasons of achieving mental health, I came to realize that 'forgetting' was not the same as 'forgiving', primarily forgiving myself. (I particularly liked Oprah's quote, during the show, about forgiving: Giving up hope that the past could have been any different -- and using this moment, this time to move forward with your life.) But moving beyond an intensely negative memory about my childhood -- about childhood as a dependent, unprotected stage of life -- was very difficult, even after many years of psychotherapy. And that, apparently, is the experience of other men who were physically and sexually traumatized as children [as evidenced by the above comment].
From my own negative experience (which I will assume may be true for some other abuse survivors) I both was concerned that I might abuse any children that I helped produce [perpetrating abuse upon other children as had been done to me] and I was hyperaware of how incredibly dependent children are on the good graces of adults. And the combination of those two factors [combined, further, with relative poverty most of my adult life and hence some question whether I could afford to have children] generated a 'fear of being around children', a fear which is still as true now as it was when I was younger.
Even though I have more than 25 years of mental health therapy behind me now -- and am considerably more healed from the PTSD of my childhood -- I continue to be uncomfortable around children, and have never had, at any time in my life, a strong desire to have children of my own. The 'paternal instinct' simply isn't there. I have two brothers, both of whom have children, but for me the memories of my profoundly negative experiences in childhood have produced and maintained that lifelong discomfort.
"Men 'don't know' because they are so ashamed. We're supposed to be 'in control', we're supposed to be strong." "I had the feeling that, as a boy, I had allowed it to happen, I was complicit [in my abuse]." The messages that our society gives to boys -- and later adult men -- about 'being in control' tend to overtly color their ability to come to terms with the limits of being human, especially the limits of being a dependent human child. The larger reality is that 'stuff happens' in life that is simply beyond anyone's control, and that 'control' is rather an elusive and transient quality that few individuals, if anyone, really have the continuous ability to manifest. Yet, there is this cultural message directed at men, however forlorn it may be to actually accomplish.
One of the primary illusions that adult males have about themselves -- and that the larger society has about males -- is that, all along, they should have been 'strong' and 'able to take care of' themselves. But the reality that they often forget is that when one was a child, they were highly dependent upon the 'caregiving' of adults who they hoped (and believed, until and unless other evidence made it clear this was not the case) would have our 'best interests' at heart. And the larger reality for males who were traumatized as children is that they often are not 'strong' or 'in control' as adults either.
Oh, they may be good a maintaining an outward 'appearance' of those qualities, but if one is a product of profound physical and sexual trauma as a child [depending on a number of factors, including the amount and kinds of abuse, ability to escape the abuse at least temporarily, and the veracity and effectiveness of intervention by other, more mentally healthy adults], they often have multiple addictions -- alcohol, drug [legal and illicit], sexual, self-abuse, etc. -- or significant intimate and/or employment problems. The PTSD affects their life in often quite obtuse ways, and in ways that are difficult to have any 'realistic control' over, unless and until the men engage in competent mental health recovery programs. Working through the internalized emotional pain and anger is necessary if one is ever to have a chance to 'come out on the other side' of such a traumatized life.
Indeed, there is real hope for recovery, but it often takes long-term therapy and hard work on self-development. Men [and women] who have been severely traumatized as children must often re-learn what 'love' is whole-cloth, from the ground up. They must -- hopefully with the assistance of competent mental health providers, mentally healthy friends, and trustworthy intimate relationships -- come to grips with the dynamics of their abuse and with new, more healthy 'tools' at their disposal, move down the pathway to recovery. They may even reach a state of inner strength, but it is unlikely they will ever again have an illusion about being able to be 'in control' of all of their life -- no matter how often the society around them continues to perpetuate such an illusion about males. Hopefully, they will come to see how they could not have been 'in control' as children -- and yet be able to forgive themselves for that failing.
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Author's note: When one is writing a blog, it is often questionable whether anyone is reading the information. If any of my readers wishes to provide feedback or at least acknowledgement about reading and hopefully enjoying the information provided and learning new concepts, I would appreciate such constructive observations and comments!
You're being read. :)
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